LadyAtemu

Dear Allah,

I needed a place to talk to myself since up there in my head there is no quiet. Today Nasrin Apu left and a week from now Jesan will leave. He says I take him for granted.

...

I am stressed from all directions. Nano, Boma, Rafi, Rahim have been sleeping over for the past four days. I go out to do groceries, help take the baby to the clinic, run all sorts off errands. It is HOT. And the heat kills me. Having Jesan in my life has made my family members all turn on me and has made the community turn their backs on me as well. It's been two years. 

Okay so there is no point in giving reasons why I am acting the way I am. I mean, even my nano called me crazy today. She says it's all because of me Sharvia acts the way she does. And it's true. She's ashamed of me. 

What can I do about it? Allah, why don't you tell me.

Jesan thinks I take him for granted. 

I don't. And I know that well. Which is why I fight everything everyday just to be with him. I've deserted all my previous friends. All that is important to me now is him. [sigh] They always tell you in magazines never to lose your girls. And I should have listened because in times like these I really do need a friend to comfort me and help me.

I expect Jesan to fulfill every role of a friend that he cannot fulfill. Because it is not his job to fulfill.

Complaining does me no good. But bottling up my pains hurts even more.

He wonders why I haven't forgiven him yet. I have forgiven it a long time ago. I am just still so shocked by his actions. This is the person I gave up so much for... He wasn't himself that week, then who was he?

Although he does a lot to me make me happy. It is just to make me happy not to make up for what he did. Which is why I snapped back and said I wouldn't dance with him on our wedding.

He just has to make up every moment of that week that I won't get back. Or that precious chance of us dancing together on stage. That precious moment and dreams an insignificant girl took from me. Only because he let her.

I cry about it more than I talk about it to him. He still doesn't know how much it had hurt me.

And he wonders why I still haven't forgotten.

I give myself a year. This one last year. One last chance to be who I was before. A sweet, religious, happy, unbreakable girl. I need to achieve something. Be myself. Be independent.

I am hurting tonight.
It will all go away someday soon... IshaAllah... I pray. 

"You wonder what my shade is, what it represents. Call me anything; an extremist, a fundamentalist...anything you desire. I don't care. My shade is my protection from this evil world, from roaming eyes, from diseased hearts. Call me anything; Vain or Submissive. I don't care. My shade is my protection of my beauty, reserved for one special gift that Allah has given me; My Life Partner. This world is but a fleeting moment about to end at any time. The Signs are here, the Day of Judgement is coming. No one will enter my grave with me except my body, my heart, my soul. Call me a pessimist, distressed, repressed, oppressed, I don't care. My shade covers me like a tree from the sun; like a coat of wax on your shiny new sportscar. My shade, my protection is my Hijab...I am a woman of Islam. "

"All praises are for you Allah, how I hope that you are there. For sinful though I know I am, your displeasure I can not bear. Never, till this moment, did I realize how much I've strayed. Never, till now, was I more conscious of all those times when I should have prayed. For sins are like heavy baggage, that one carries through Life, the airport. Why didn't I realize sooner, that Earth is but a place of sport? Ya Allah ! Forgive me. Save me from the fire of Hell. Forgive me as you did my parents, from Jan'ah though they fell. Ya Allah ! Protect me. From myself for my soul is weak. Let me not falter ever, for Jan'ah is the abode I seek. Ya, Allah! Please help me. For I don't understand and thus, I fear. What happened to all those moments when I never doubted that you were near ? My actions once were guided, by my faith which, once, was strong. Ya Allah! please guide me . What happened, what went wrong ? Each footstep that I used to take, I took with you ever near my side. The Quran was my faithful companion, Rasoolallah my beloved guide. How I yearn for those bygone days Allah, for I know that the day comes near. When we'll each receive our just rewards, and Truth will stand sparkling clear. Life is like a spider's web Allah. We get caught in its tricky snare. So thoroughly are we disillusioned, time for Salaat we can not spare. I sit here and I wonder, Ya Allah! Why did I fall so low? What happened to my faith Allah? Where did my Imaan go? In this earthly life of ours, so often does sin seem right. Falsehood seems to be the truth, as if days are confused with night. Man is an imperfect creature. And thus, Man shall always wrong. For the road to Jan'ah is rocky, and the journey seems awfully long. Ya Allah ! Our creator, we are all just pieces of clay. Please help us with our steps in life, and let us not lose our way. All praises are for you Allah, I know that you are near. I know that you have read my heart, and my words I know you hear. "

"A Muslim Woman...she conceals her beauty, obstructs the radiance from seeping through, cloaks her seductive looks, refuses to submit to the wordly desires, preserves her attractiveness and charm, protects the diamond within...she is left savorless, banal, insipid, and vapid yet she remains veiled. She is ridiculed by prejudice, mocked by displayed beauty, taunted by the devil. It shatters her patience, lowers her self esteem but only for a split of a second. She remains veiled. Its strange, incomprehensible yet marvelous...it's faith. "

A year ago from today, do you remember what I was like? I was truly pious.. ready to do anything for Allah. And really, Where did my imaan go? A year ago from today, I was on the phone with Anoshay crying because I was unfortunate and unable to pray. Yet Allah made life simply spectacular for me anyway. And I really owe Allah a great thanks for making me so fortunate. Really, this life is soo precious. 

LadyAtemu

Ahh, when we were little we all had those adorable diaries with the little locks and such. I bought one too!

I remember it clearly... From Toy "R" Us in Manhattan. I went there for the first time in my life with my daddy. It was December. Christmas Time. first Grade. I went to every floor. Looked at everything. but was afraid on what to buy. I didnt want my daddy to spend too much money. (Wasn't I just a the greatest daughter? Look at me now. lol) So I remember going up to the art isle. And looking at the glittry stuff, asking my daddy "Isn't that pretty?" And he said, "Very nice. Do you want one?" I looked at the price, it said $12.00, but you couldn't see the decimal, lol. So I'm thinkin, "Oh no! $1,200! I can't make my daddy buy me that!" So I told him, no, I don't want it. He just smiled all the way. lol So it all went by like that.

When I saw the diary, my daddy picked it up first, he told me, "This is a diary (no duh, it said diary is such a girly font) and its important to keep one. You should buy this" So I did. It was purple with girly hearts and butterflies. The pages inside weren't lame, they had pretty stuff on it. So yeah. My first diary.

In total, I bought a diary, crayola crayons, and this wonderball thingy (you know those ball sized chocolates with yummyful suprises inside?). So it added up to $8.07. But for me it was $807. So then I looked at my daddy with a sad face. I felt sooo sad. =[ I said "Uh oh. Isn't that too much?" but he paid the lady already. He's like, "Nope. Under $10." And I'm like wahhh?! He told me it added up to $8.07. Then I started laughing like crazy. On the subway and on the way home. Lol, he suggested I go back and get those $25 Barbie Dolls but I was too busy laughing. He thought I was crazy. lol

I learned about decimals that day. I got 100's on each math test that 1st grade. :]

LOL, this happened another time too. Abbo was aboyut to leave us for Bangladesh and he promised that he'd buy me earrings. But he was too busy buying stuff for family members at BD, etc. so then I reminded him. and he's like okay then. there was this Bengali dude selling stuff on his stand at the sidewalk. This is Jackson Heights afterall. I chose these beautiful little flower earrings. They were soo damn beautiful. (this was 1st grade also) I've gotten soo many compliments on them. they were red, shining ruby color. So I saw the price, $4.00. (can you believe it?!) and I'm like, "[gasp] $400!" But that time i wasn't that retarded. Seriously. The decimal was missing! Lol, my daddy told me it was $4. so we bought it. I wore those earrings 24/7 'til 5th grade. 5TH GRADE!!! That's how much I loved them. But I grew out of them. and they're too little. So damn cute. I still have them. they still shine. and the stones didnt fall out. Soo pretty. @__@

So yeah. Some "aww" tales.

So jsut today, well yesterday. i found my old keys. they;'re so rusty. and i opened my diary, AFTER 2 YEARS! and i wrote in it on my first few days of my vacation at Saudia Arabia and Bangladesh. though I have horrible memories that haunt me. tMy entires made me smile. i was seriusly enjoying myself before things happened. Whne i go back! i'm gonna forget whatever happened! and I'm gonna bring everybody B&BW stuff! :] And Since I wrote it down in ym diary, I'm gonna bring my awesome cousin who was soo lovely and did my hair all the time a diary of her own. Yupyup. I have awesome family!

AAAAAND!

GREATEST OF AWESOME NEWS!

My uncles wife, my mama's wife, aka my mami but we call her "Bo-ma" (Bengali's will go aww). My Bo-ma is coming from BD!!! SHE IS THE GREATEST! she loooooves doing my hair! and she is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO pretty. My uncle and her make an awesome husband and bride. And they have a little boy! Ahwww. He's a pain in the ass but he's also adoradibble. so so yeah. I'm gonna go everywhere with my Bo-ma1 I'll hang out with her always. She is soo cool1 Imma steal her from my uncle. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm excited. i hope things don't mess up. Insha-allah.

what else? I AM A SHOP-A-HOLIC! Just ask Tazzy and Shelly! I spent over$75 at B&BW in one day. And i know about all the sales1 Get cho' ass up to JCPENNY! But one pair of jeans get the 2nd fo' $1. yupyup. ETC! AVON is the best place for stuffers.

SALESALESALESALEASALESALESALESALESALEASALESALESALESALESALE

I would write more sales up there but its gonna screw up my page, so yeah.

LadyAtemu

Yes..life has been going well. It's all thanks to Allah. I hope life continues to go well. Or..I hope I continue to see it in a positive way. =]

Insha-Allah.

Today I didn't go to school. Here's an entry from my xanga.

 I woke up at 6:40 this morning just to hear the beautiful soft sound of rain. Eager to jump in the puddles, I got up and went outside for a brief moment. My mother came to my side and asked if it really was necessary for me to go to school today. I thought for a while and decided not to go. My parents are okay with that. Today has been wonderfully relaxing for me so far. I have been drinking herbal or green tea. It feels lovely and refreshing. I took a lovely break from reality. I'm pretty content with myself today. ^_^ Yesterday was kind of confusing for me. I felt very...stupid about myself. But thanks to two of my very special friends, I'm very happy right now. I started out with three extra hours of sleep. A girl can dream...

After I awoke, I took a quick shower. I dressed in casual yet comfortable clothing. I don't know why. So then I cleaned up my room and basically the entire house. I like having a clean atmosphere. My mom is pretty happy about that as well. And my sisters are enjoying themselves. After that, I decided to do my hair. ^_^ And I did...for like about a half an hour. Just beautifying myself for once. ^_^ So then I made myself a cup of tea and went to a quiet vacant room. I grabbed a chair a stared out the window...and watched the rain. A girl can dream...

I allowed myself to think about things today. It really helped me with my thoughts and emotions. If I were to go to school today it would be fun, but I still would be stressed. So then it stopped raining and I kinda didn't know what to do. So I went outside and shook the small trees and all the morning dew sprinkled on me. It was such simple pleasure. A girl can dream...

I went inside and turned on the computer. Nobody on AIM. Not surprised. Everyone is at school, but Jenny seems to be on her cell. I decided to search myself on many search engines. Why am I not surprised? But I am the one and only Sharanika. And I am the one and only LadyAtemu. Many people went to my other blog, my secret blog. Usually the place where I write things like this. To my surprise, a lot of people were inspired by my words. They turned my words into quotes. I once posted my "Compassion" essay, and they took bits and pieces out of that and turned it into quotes by LadyAtemu. And once I made an entry about dreams, and they loved my words. It certainly made my day. A girl can dream...

A certain site called "Best Life Live Now Quotes" thinks my blog is a site for quotes. -___-" Oh and don't forget the mother of the year! Yupyup, Out entire class is there! Then I found another xanga site that liked my writing as well. Askyreh's Xanga Site. I found it on her navigation. ^_^

I guess this person just like that. ^_^ Hmm...my "Dreams" entry seems to be very popular. Wow. Look! It's 3:00! You guys will be coming home soon! YAY!

Sharanika Trading Agency, Sonali Sharanika, Sharanika Fish Weekly (O.o), Chewingum Sharanika (wtf??)...erm yea. I found these things. O.o

A girl can dream...

My sister's babysitter came. She's very religious. Yes. I'm going to a 3 day 2 night zammat on Friday. She brought me a present. It was a small notebook and pen; for me to take notes. It made me smile. So, I won't be here this weekend. Tell me if I'm on AIM. That means my sister is on the computer. She's grounded so she can't go on the computer.

Hmm, so I just had lunch. I also watched "The Distance: Making of FFVIIAC" When you see that, you want to cry. they made the movie with such passion, it's amazing. Oh and, "Reminiscence of Final Fantasy VII" is quite amazing after all. It's a sneak peak of what happened after AC. Yupyup. One thing I'll tell you. Vincent finally gets himself a cell phone. "Tell Yuffie she has no right to call my cell phone". LMAO.

Well, my calm sweet and serene moments are over. (Notice how my writing changed from the beginning of this entry to the end...) Will someone please give me today's homework?

                                                             1-4-3, Sharanika

A girl can dream...=)

Big news everyone!!!

I AM A FINALIST FOR A WHOLE NEW WORLD!!!

A big thanks to Nathalie, Jonathan, and Manny for their support!! LOVE YOU!! 

A girl can dream...and dreams do come true.

LadyAtemu

Happy Mother's Day!

I hope all the lovely mother's in the world have a great day!  May all their children always and forever remember and love them! And for the other ladies who mean as much as a mother, may they be cherished as well!

LadyAtemu

Haha, May 3rd was my birthday! I am delighted that many of you remembered! ::hugs:: Sorry I don't update much, but I'll try.

However, I do update my xanga!

I'm 13! I'm getting very old.

Happy Birthday my dear friend Shelly! And my dear cousin Nasrin!

LadyAtemu

Silly silly. "I Love You" is a common phrase. It is also very overused. Sometimes you mean it. Sometimes you don't. And sometimes, it's just pointless.

Love is a special word and should be said when needed. But now it's one of those normal words and not so very special. It's special for some and for others, it's the usual. *shrugs*

You think they would at least try to understand. Even a little. But they don't. Instead they think the opposite. You just wanna shake them don't you? You just wanna scream all your thoughts in their face. You just want to and don't ever do that. So instead we are left speechless and no words some out of our mouth. They give us a hug and say "I Love You". And in return, still shocked, we say "I Love You too", not quite meaning it.

[sigh] Ahh well.

Don't you just love the sound of rain? [sigh] Trapped in this world of mine. Unable to go outside.